Thursday, December 30, 2004

A Useful Anniversary List

Auntie Suzanne and Uncle Pookie have been married ten years. And were a couple for nearly five years before that, which going by my internal estimate means we've been together three years past the half-life of Carbon-14.

We've never done the anniversary thing, but there was some discussion of maybe making an exception this year. Along those lines I found myself looking at a list of anniversary gifts--two lists, actually, "traditional" and "modern". The "traditional" list has "tin/aluminum" as the tenth year gift, which I figure means these lists are strictly an invention of the twentieth century, because I don't think aluminum existed before then. The "modern" list suggests we give our loved one leather. As many possibilities as leather suggests, I think I'll give both lists a pass. What use are they, anyway? What newlyweds really need is not a list of presents to buy, but a list of the emotional stages of marriage.

So here it is:

Auntie Suzanne's What-to-Expect Each Year List,
A Truly Useful Guide to Anniversaries

First--The "Oh God, what have I DONE?!" anniversary. AKA the "I never before knew people could have bitter fights, lasting for days, over whether to purchase 1% or 2% milk" anniversary. (Get whatever gift you want. Unless it's milk.)

Second--The "Apparently it's possible to STILL be fighting over the milk" anniversary.

Third--The "You mean s/he has even MORE annoying habits!?!" anniversary.

Fourth--The "Aaaargh! It just goes on and on!" anniversary.

Fifth--The "All my problems are caused by him/her, including the ones I had before we met" anniversary.

Sixth--The "I had no problems before I met him/her" anniversary.

Seventh--The "I'd kill him/her, but then I'd just have to see him/her in hell" anniversary.

Eighth--The "My only hope is for death's sweet, sweet embrace" anniversary.

Ninth--The "S/he may be bad, but at least s/he isn't that freak my friend married" anniversary. AKA the "I'd go out and find someone else but, what with the bitterness and homicidal thoughts and all, I've really let my looks slide" anniversary.

Tenth-- At last, resignation. The "I still long for death's sweet embrace, but meanwhile I'm resigned to my fate" anniversary. Enjoy. It doesn't get any better than this.

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